I never get tired of classic marketing gems like this one, courtesy of a consultancy called--wait for it--Added Value. To 'solve' a critical issue for brands which in their terms 'lack character', they've created a digital Character Lab. Here's how they describe what exactly this magic machine does:
"An interactive quantitative test of brand character that makes character development simple, intuitive and compelling."
Amazing. But it gets even better in the Extreme Egocentric Marketing Jargon they use to explain the history which led up to this extraordinary brainwave:
"We used to think positioning was just about, well, positioning. After all, it's what it says in the text books.
Precision market definition. Laser-guided targeting. Nail that insight. Distil the brand benefit. Prioritise your substantiators. Be clear and concise about your personality and values."
They don't stop there. It gets even more nauseating:
"Less is more. Ideally, on one page. In an onion. Or a pyramid. Or a Steering Wheel or a Bulls-eye. (Sorry. The last two were both ours.) All to enable consistent brand behaviour. Clinical, logical, brutal. Preserved in aspic for future generations."
If anyone has the willpower to read on, incredibly enough their entire website is written in this terse, stop-and-go style. What a joyride.